Phoenix Mandel – C.S.E.

Feeling Better in Our Bodies

phoenix.mandel — Thu, 08 Sep 2022 00:49:46 +0000

Feeling Safer in Our Bodies

Somatic Skills to Increase Your Exploratory Appetite

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been playing in the woods and rivers of the Pacific Northwest and doing challenging activities, like backpacking, which are outside my norm. While these adventures have been enjoyable and exciting, there has also been a fair amount of discomfort and fear. To enhance my feeling of safety during intense moments, I have been using a variety of Somatic Experiencing (SE) techniques.

Developed by Peter Levine, SE is a body–mind therapy focused on helping people draw attention to their bodies, specifically as a way to heal trauma. As someone with my own traumas and who also takes a trauma-informed approach in my work, these techniques have been a big part of my personal and professional process. SE explores internal awareness of the body (Interoceptive), spatial orientation of the body (Proprioceptive), and movements of the body (Kinesthetic)(Payne, Levine, & Crane-Godreau, 2015).

As an extension of the areas this model can be helpful in, I have found somatic skills effective (with myself and with clients) for feeling safer in our bodies and increasing our drive to explore. While these techniques often focus on self-regulation, they can also be used for co-regulation, which is how we calm ourselves down while we are connecting to someone else. When used in co-regulation, somatic skills can contribute to an increased sense of intimacy, connection, and shared exploratory desires.

One somatic skill you can practice today is Containment. These techniques are all about soothing and rewiring your nervous system, and they can be accomplished nearly anytime and anywhere. The exercise described below involves one version of Containment using self-touch and can be done standing, sitting, or lying down. Practice this skill a few times while you are calm before practicing this while distressed. Take your time with each step. If you are in a public space that you do not feel comfortable doing this exercise in, go outside, go to the bathroom, or seek another private area.

Containment

1. Take a slow breath in, hold the breath for a moment, and breathe out. Notice your body and any feelings that arise.

2. With your right hand, gently grab the left side of your upper body, just past your heart; with your left hand, gently grab your right bicep — as if to give yourself a big hug. Adjust your hands as needed to feel most comfortable.

3. Taking your time, notice:

— the feeling under your hands (temperature of your body, texture of your clothes, feeling of your heartbeat if it’s noticeable)

— if you feel held and contained by your arms (is it pleasant or unpleasant?)

— how the rest of your body feels (midsection, arms, neck…)

4. Take another slow breath in, hold the breath for a moment, and breathe out. At the same time, give your body a squeeze and release your arms to your sides. Notice your body and feelings now. Has anything shifted?

I hope this exercise has you feeling cared for and that any good feelings generated carry into the rest of your day. Another version of this same technique can be used in co-regulation and done with a partner. Each version has benefits. For the partnered version, as well as additional somatic skills, please register for Michelle Renee and my Somatic Skills for Expanding Sexual Expression Workshop in San Diego on September 25th, 2022 — https://www.eventbrite.com/e/somatic-skills-for-expanding-sexual-expression-tickets-385027306037?aff=eand — or book me for a session. I hope to see you soon.

References

Payne, P., Levine, P. A., & Crane-Godreau, M. A. (2015).

Somatic experiencing: Using interoception and proprioception as core elements of trauma therapy. Frontiers in Psychology, 6(93), 1–18.

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Perimenopause and Sex!

phoenix.mandel — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 19:30:32 +0000

An Outside Perspective on-

Perimenopause and Sex!

Perimenopause can be a difficult life transition.

There are many changes that occur in the human body that we are not prepared for until we get there. For myself, pregnancy and childbirth, post pregnancy and the toddler years were some of those times where my body changed so much I just had to surrender and learn as I went along.

I would venture to guess that as a society we have even less conversations about perimenopause and menopause than we do about pregnancy and childbirth. It is a bit daunting to know just what to do during this stage. There is so much to read and research and explore and of course it’s always important to find support with others who are also going through the same journey.

What I have learned so far in my own perimenopause journey.

I am very gentle with myself and patient with this hormonal transition as the days can vary from one to the next. Hormone fluctuations at this time happen constantly and can be a roller coaster of symptoms and sensations not unlike pregnancy. I have found it is best to keep an open mind and surrender to the process just like I did during the early years of motherhood.

What about sex?

Most importantly I practice what I preach to my clients in regards to sexuality. I’ve found that the tools and techniques I’ve been teaching my clients all these years absolutely applies to perimenopause as well. This can be a time of decreased libido for some (not all) and the same principles apply to any other time.

Create a sexy, intimate space without expectation but just as a way to connect with your partner.
Get into that space with the mindset that this is a time for intimacy.
After lying together for awhile, perhaps doing some sensual massage see what happens.
Responsive arousal is amazing. And, sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised when we keep an open mind.

This is proving to be just as good of a strategy as ever before. It’s true that spontaneous desire and arousal can diminish over time in a long term relationship and with fluctuating hormones it can also be true that spontaneity goes out the window. However, the good news is that we have responsive arousal always there in the background waiting for the right context and circumstances to sexually turn-on the body.

I am using these principles to navigate my own sexuality during perimenopause. Responsive arousal is amazing, it works, it is a tried and true method and I am thankful it’s always there to come back to.

How is your perimenopause journey going?

As sensual researchers it’s important that we understand that our sexuality is here with us throughout our lifetime. And, we can have a healthy relationship with our bodies and our partners throughout the complexities and changes that our bodies go through. It’s important to keep an open mind, be gentle, stay curious and do your own sensual research.

I’d love to hear from other women who are navigating their sexuality during perimenopause. I wonder if some of the techniques I teach my clients can be beneficial for you as well?

If you want to discuss this in more detail please do not hesitate to reach out and see if coaching may be a good option for you.

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Vanilla & Kink – How You Can Both Get Your Needs Met

phoenix.mandel — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 19:23:22 +0000

Vanilla & Kink –

How You Can Both Get Your Needs Met

Have you felt that you are at the “end of the road” because one of you is vanilla and the other kinky? Are you struggling to find ways to both get your needs met?

I know it can feel like an endless loop of frustration, however, with some experimentation, an open-mind and a willingness to stay curious you can get your needs met while enjoying a mutually satisfying sex life.

Here are some points to get you started:

1. Keep an open mind when your partner tells you they are interested in kink.

There is often a misconception that kink is an elaborate underground world of whips and chains, leather and dark, gothic dungeons full of Dominatrixes and men kneeling while being tied up. And, while it certainly can be those things, it can also be a lot of other things. In fact, kink can be defined as anything “outside the box” of the traditional man on top missionary position! In our grandparents time it may have been kinky to simply change positions now and again. And, female on top is even now considered riské in certain populations. So, I invite you to have an open mind and begin to explore what kink can actually be and see if it’s something for you.

Some things that folks find consensually kinky:

Hair pulling
Spanking
Dirty Talk
Role-Play
Domination/submission
Sensation Play
Blindfolds
Fantasy
Lingerie modeling
Acts of Service
Anal Play
Goddess Worship
And the list goes on and on and on and….

Many folks are already doing some form of kinky play in their sexual activities and wouldn’t even know to call it that as the definition is so broad. Are you perhaps already a bit kinky?

2. Find out what your partners kinks are.

Before deciding that your relationship is doomed because you are more vanilla (don’t need a lot of “extras” in the bedroom) ask your partner to tell you what they find kinky.

It’s great to both get out a pen and paper and write down all the different things you enjoy sexually and see if there are some overlaps.

Once you have a clear idea of what you and your partner like, don’t like, and feel neutral about it’s easier to have the conversation on how to proceed.

For the kinky partner: it’s important to be gentle with this process. You may have all the knowledge in the world about your kink but take it easy when explaining it to your partner as it may be all new to them.

3. Now that you’ve had the conversation decide what you want to do about it.

My suggestion is to go slowly. Find something that is low hanging fruit (maybe it’s blindfolds, erotic spanking, or a little dirty talk) and play in that realm a few times to see how you feel.

The more comfortable you both are with things you both enjoy the easier it is to add in new, more adventurous activities.

Remember: one of the cardinal rules of kink is that all play must be safe, sane, and consensual. You must agree on what you are going to do before you do it. This will go far in building trust and communication between you.

4. What if one of you has a fetish the other doesn’t want to participate in?

Many couples I have worked with fall into this category. One person is interested in a particular fetish (ie: foot worship, cuckolding, latex play, pegging, etc. etc.) and the other isn’t just neutral about it but actually turned off by the idea.

When this is the case coaching is definitely a great way to ease into this conversation, find ways you can both get your needs met and possibly discuss how the partner with the kink can play with their fetish in an agreeable fashion within the relationship. Some couples have opted for the fetishist to see a professional Dominatrix once in a while, others have agreed that their partner can watch certain media portraying the fetish, while others have agreed to participate just at the level they feel comfortable. There are actually endless ways folks can come to a healthy agreement with some guidance around kinks and fetishes within a relationship.

5. It’s of utmost importance that the more vanilla partner get their ample share of pleasure.

It is never as simple as one person acquiescing to their partners desires. It is vital that both partners are fulfilled.

Continue to enjoy the more vanilla aspects of your relationship (long make-outs, sensual kissing, erotic massage, intercourse etc.) to ensure that the bond between you remains healthy and strong. If, as a kinky person, you don’t find you are turned-on at all by these activities that is a conversation to have with a coach or therapist. On the other hand, if you are turned-on by vanilla love-making keep it up! And, gently over time add in kinky play in a sustainable way that will benefit you both.

If you are interested in discussing these topics further please do not hesitate to reach out and book a free consultation to see if working together would help your relationship.

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Struggling with Porn Dependence?

phoenix.mandel — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 19:12:05 +0000

Struggling with Porn Dependence?

5 Steps to Break the Habit

Has your porn consumption gone from casual use to daily dependence?

Are you having a difficult time sexually engaging with your partner because you are used to masturbating to porn?

Do you need some help finding ways to scale back your use?

Before reading, please note: there is a spectrum of professional opinion on whether or not porn can be “addictive”. I use the word dependence as I believe it more accurately describes my clients’ reported experiences. Theories on addiction are best left to those that specialize in addiction. If you think that you have a porn or sex addiction and need help please search out a qualified specialist.

My personal opinion on porn is that it’s a great vehicle for pleasure when used in a way that promotes connection with yourself and your partner. It can be an avenue of exploring eroticism when used to awaken the senses and become more sexually aware. It has the potential to increase libido, arousal and orgasm for those that enjoy visual media. And, it can be used between couples to keep things spicy in the bedroom.

However, you may find that you’ve become dependent on porn and experience negative physical, emotional and psychological side effects from frequent, long-term use.

Some of the reported side effects of porn dependency can be:

Engaging less in partner sex
Performance anxiety
Comparing oneself to porn actors
Early or delayed ejaculation
Difficulty orgasming with partner
Erectile variations (it works sometimes, sometimes it doesn’t)
Comparing your partner to porn actors
Setting up impossible expectations of yourself and/or your partner
Becoming dis-embodied
Not being able to stop viewing porn to take care of other responsibilities
Finding less and less pleasure from consuming porn but not being able to stop

If you are finding that your life has been negatively impacted by porn dependency, the good news is that there are some powerful steps to diminish dependency and achieve a satisfying sex life.

5 Steps To Break The Habit:

1. Normalize and Reduce Shame

One of the important steps to breaking any dependency is to stop beating yourself up for your habit. The more you beat yourself up and feel badly about yourself the greater the chance that you will turn to the habit to self-soothe. This goes for any habit that has become unhealthy and that you are trying to break. Overeating, overconsumption of drugs and alcohol, too much shopping, gambling, etc. You may be using substances including porn as a way to self-soothe painful events, stressors and emotions. Many times it becomes a cycle of use, then subsequent feelings of guilt and shame, and then more use to assuage those difficult emotions.

So how do you stop feeling shame and guilt? The best solution for this is to normalize your behavior. Normalizing works because it helps you understand that you are not a horrible person with a horrible disorder. In fact, this pubmed article cites a study that reports, “91.5% of men and 60.2% of women herein reported having consumed pornography in the past month”.

It may, in fact, be more normal to use porn than it isn’t. Now, normalizing use is not to excuse dependency it’s just a stepping stone to help alleviate shameful emotions.

Tell yourself: “A lot of people use porn and it is normal to gravitate towards this media. But, it’s gotten a little out of hand and I am going to do something about it”.

2. From Porn to Embodied Pleasure

The second and very crucial step to is begin to establish a real, embodied connection with your sexuality.

While porn may have its uses, for some, it has created a disconnection between their body and mind. You are watching something happen on a screen and may find that when it’s all over you have very little memory of what actually happened other than a disembodied orgasm. Alternately, when you are embodied and masturbating you are fully connected to all of your senses and each moment becomes full of amazing sensation.

A wonderful exercise that helps you tap into embodied pleasure is the mindful masturbation technique: From Porn to Embodied Pleasure.

You start with watching porn then turn it off and focus on your body. You can go back to it one or two more times (but only for a minute or so) and then return to just the awareness of your body without the visual stimulation.

Over time this helps train you out of depending on porn to achieve orgasm.

3. Use Mindful Masturbation without Porn at all

Once you have done the Porn to Embodied Pleasure a few times and are getting the hang of not needing as much visual stimulation try the Mindful Masturbation exercise where you don’t use porn at all. This is an exercise that encourages you to really get to know your body on a sensory level without visual input. A lot of people report discovering things about themselves they never knew was possible and, that this type of masturbation has helped them be more present with their partners.

4. Use a Fleshlight

For many folks using a lot of porn over the years has created issues around early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or erectile variations (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t). Using a Fleshlight for masturbation while doing the mindful masturbation approach (no porn) can help to diversify sensations and help train the body to work optimally during partner sex. Your mileage will vary with the Fleshlight (and it’s designed for folks with penises) Give it a try and see how it goes.

5. Engage in Slow Sex with your partner.

Many people report that the type of masturbating they are doing to porn is quick, hurried and to the point and so, when they engage in partner sex they have a hard time being present with their partner’s needs. The solution to this is to learn how to have slow sex. Slow sex is when you engage in foreplay with all of your senses present: smell, taste, touch, sound, etc. When sex is done quickly very little attention is paid to what is going on moment to moment and this can further encourage the disconnect between your body/mind and your partner. Instead, slow way down, engage in foreplay, learn some new techniques and become present. Over time, this kind of sex will feel so amazing that the craving for porn will diminish. You will find you prefer a more satisfying kind of sex.

I have seen many people completely turn their dependency to porn around with these steps. It may be something that you can do entirely on your own and, it may be helpful to work with a coach to custom craft exercises just for you and your specific needs. It is always helpful to discuss your progress with someone and stay accountable with weekly sessions.

The main thing is to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Many folks have unwittingly become a little too dependent on porn. And while porn has its place as a form of enjoyable entertainment, if it is causing you distress you can turn that ship around.

Please be gentle with yourself in this process, Rome was not build in a day. It can take time to create new neural pathways, unlearn habits and create new, lasting habits.

Patience and practice makes perfect!

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Low Libido vs. Slow Libido Article

phoenix.mandel — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 23:44:59 +0000

Low Libido vs. Slow Libido –

Changing the Perspective

The bulk of my practice as a sexologist is supporting couples with mismatched libidos achieve a more balanced sex life.

In many healthy relationships one partner desires sex more than the other. Unfortunately, many people feel that there is something wrong with them if they don’t want sex as much as their partner and can feel shame around having what is typically termed a “low libido”.

Society teaches very little accurate information about human sexuality. Many of the trending myths teach people that what they are experiencing in their bodies is not normal.

One of these myths is that a low libido is a shameful sexual dysfunction that needs to be fixed. And that a high libido is the goal that everyone should achieve.

Rephrasing sex-negative terms.

In an effort to disseminate accurate information about human sexuality I often like to change words and phrases to reduce their potential of creating shame. One of these phrases is low libido. Low libido has a bad connotation. It implies that the person with the high libido has the correct libido (we may unconsciously or consciously associate high with better) and the person with the low libido has the wrong libido. Those who have diagnosed themselves with low libido often feel badly about themselves. When we meet in session it can take awhile to assuage the fears of the person with the low libido and help them understand what is actually happening in their body and that it is normal.

This is why I have made a powerful pivot in how I discuss libido.

Slow libido is a more accurate term.

Let’s throw away the term low libido and introduce the term slow libido. A slow libido takes a little more time to get going than a fast libido but it is no better or worse than a quick libido. The only thing that is different between the two is that the quick libido turns on within a shorter duration of time. A quick libido doesn’t need as much stimulation to get going. On the other hand a slow libido may enjoy a little more warming up, the right context and subtle seduction and patience. With the right care and the right tools a slow libido can simmer and come to a roiling boil!

One is not better than the other.

Regardless of your libido being slow or fast, you are normal. It is totally normal to need a little extra to get going or to need the right atmosphere. This is just how some people are.

We do everything very fast in our society including sex. For those who take longer to come to a boil the expectation that you must turn-on quickly, feel horny all the time and strive towards a quick libido may make you feel like you are being left out of the sex equation all together.

What is the solution?

First, everyone just calm down. Slightly kidding here but actually it’s true. We could all use some slowing down, calming down, and creating spaces for slow, luxurious sex with lots of fun foreplay and time for folks to enjoy themselves.

Second, the person with the slow libido has a huge gift. They have the gift of teaching their partner about the nuances of sexuality. Sometimes, the quick libido partner can miss out on all the delights of foreplay, making out, erotic massage, and delicious sensuality. So, slow down and try a difference cadence of sexual intimacy.

Third, it’s all about trial and error. There is no one size fits all and for those with a slow libido it may take trying different things out to see what works. For some they need the setting to be just so (often with chores and family matters handled before even thinking of sex). For others they need a long intimate conversation. You will find what brings your slow libido to it’s boiling point through keeping an open mind and being a sensual researcher.

Bottom line is that you are normal.

I have seen in my practice time and time again that with some gentle perspective changes, learning about your sexuality and trying new things as a couple the mismatched libidos can become more matched. Slow is great! Quick is great! And, there is a happy middle ground.

To see if working together would benefit your relationship at this time please reach out to book a free consultation call.

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